Grand Canyon

I miss you most when I’m in the arms of another

When I’m left alone with my thoughts and memories and what ifs

As if I were stranded at the base of the Grand Canyon with no rescue in sight

Any attempt at escape is futile

Climbing has never been my strong suit

I never considered myself athletic but I am great at adaptation

I’m even better at survival

And you always reminded me that I was the strongest person you’ve ever met

I’d make myself a bed with the rusty red Mars-like rubble

Build a camp with decades old litter from tourists

Accept my defeat

Relish in my strength

This is my home now

The base of the Grand Canyon, the depths of despair, the static void, the black hole of it all

Your silence is deafening

There is a certain type of love and care that comes with mutual silence

The act itself speaks louder than you’ve ever loved

Your absence takes up more space than I could ever fathom

It lingers in the crisp desert air

It fills this crater I’ve been trapped in to the brim

It wooshes around me like the dead sea

Oceans of heartache that surround me turn into a tornado, a hurricane, a tsunami, or a monsoon

The worst type of natural disaster you can imagine

It comes to life with every shaky and panic ridden exhale that leaves my frail body

Fragile and broken

I try to fill the cracks

I try to mimic your precision when you used caulk to fix the holes in the walls of your parents’ stairwell

I sat at the top of the stairs watching you in adoration

Because mundane never felt so exciting

And you were my home then