Crushed

There are remnants of you everywhere I look

The last thing I told you was that you’d spend your life looking for me in every person you meet

I can’t help but admit I sometimes do the same with you

I found beauty in your mediocrity

I held you so close we became one

I couldn’t even fathom the idea of having to let you go

But here I am now

Aching in every step

Forcing myself not to bring you up in every conversation

Not to compare every potential lover to you

To your love

Your mind

Your touch

Not to dote on my first love

Forcing myself to imagine loving someone as much as I did you

Revealing myself to someone new

Trusting another with my heart that you’ve let go so many times

Crushed between your raw nail-bitten fingertips

Forcing myself to not unlock the door I’ve barricaded with chains and padlocks and an old rickety wardrobe filled with hoodies and t-shirts we shared and innocently fought over

To not let my guard down and allow your sweet calming voice to slither behind the door hinges and crawl down the woodgrain sneaking unto the other side

Just to feel your warm body pressed up against me one more time

So that I know that I’m here

So that I know that I’m real

So that I know that I’m actually alive