Sharing Heaven

I've grown accustomed to filling the side of my bed you used to inhabit with other accoutrements

Better ones,

Happier ones,

Promising ones

I seem to always have something to sleep next to

Tonight it's a collection of books, a sketchbook, pens, and the grey sweatshirt I wore yesterday 

If I'm lucky, that side of the bed is adorned by friends that I hold and appreciate so very dearly 

This sanctum of mine I've carefully crafted and constructed— it is so close to being completely and utterly rid of you

Rid of your memory, your betrayal, your bleakness, and gloom

What a shame it was to allow you to imprint on my oasis

To distance myself from my home because your presence poisoned its magic 

You eroded the serenity I worked ruthlessly to conjure

But not anymore

No longer will I allow someone so muddled, so vacillating, to come between me and my safe space

How silly of me to stray away from my carefully curated haven because of something so insignificant to the bigger picture as you

Your lies and broken promises no longer possess the grasp of my psyche

And I now have other qualms to fret over

My mind has been in a constant battle as of late

Contemplating whether or not to let another person relish in my very own Garden of Eden

How do I trust in them to not taint my perfection?

To not dim my brilliance

To not contaminate my 100% cotton bedsheets with their hidden motives

How can I allow myself to be entangled with another under my frilly pink princess comforter?

What if he turns out to be as naive and easily influenced as Adam–

As you desperately denied being?

What if he is another serpent—

As you revealed yourself to be?

Making the walls of my room seethe with disappointment

The flowers I’ve collected and assembled on top of every surrounding surface seemed to wilt even more despite their presumed and decorative demise

Despite my efforts to keep this Elysium focused on me,

Every single object in here is an Entity of its own

And they hold on to every emotion and memory and conversation you could possibly imagine

You know the quote, “I am a museum of everything I’ve ever loved”

Not only do I resonate with that so deeply that it is engrained in the veins and valves of my beating heart–

I have come to learn that my room is a living archive as well

As to not contradict my flourishing catharsis for emotional relief and independence,

I’ve replaced the physical Entities that have taunted me this past year with unpolluted inanimate Confidants

Their births have inadvertently been unscathed by your noxious and grueling words of fiction

My very own Renaissance, if you will

I am not Eve, but God

I am the mother of all the living and the dead and this is my covert and exclusive Nirvana that houses both so tenderly

Which brings me back to the annoying schism in my mind

How will I know this imaginary prospect I am dreaming of will enter with care?

How do I trust he will not destroy my most beloved chamber of genuinity?

Every single atom confined within these four walls scream my soul

They are the epitome of my existence

How foolish of me would it be to give entry to a stranger?

To let my guard down once more

For them to bare witness to my naked spirit

I have been tormented by uncertainty and have yet to find a remedy to soothe my restless romcom mind

How short-sighted of me to think so little of someone I have yet to meet

To not be confident in my ability to learn from the past and proceed with caution

How foolish of me to lose hope in something I have always yearned for

But how beautiful it is to finally allow myself to imagine a fresh romance in my comfortable bed 

Enchanting me with their authenticity and exciting me to seek the unknown

Encouraging me to be nothing but myself

Promising their commitment to worship my mind, body, and soul

Keeping that promise for infinite eons

To lay in their arms and feel the Entities smile with glee as we drift off into heavenly slumber

Because only they know how long I have patiently waited,

How much I have grown, blossomed, and learned

For they know how much I deserve eternal love

And tonight, that is what I will be dreaming of