Bad Habits Die Hard

As I lay in bed at night

I fantasize what I’d be doing if I didn’t care

Running through a field under the moonlight with my friends wearing silk slips and ripped tights

Having fun at midnight downtown in December

Smoking refreshing menthol newports that make me feel alive

I don’t know if it’s the danger I miss

The not caring about what goes inside this temporary vessel of mine

If it’s the careless laughter and hysterical tears

Puffy eyes every morning because of it

I don’t fantasize about this every night

Most nights I think about a peaceful future in my dream apartment

I think about being entangled with my soulmate under the sheets

Staring into their eyes as dusk turns to dawn

The life I dream about is with them and my art

Travel that brings more flavors and knick knacks

As I lay in bed right now

I crave what I did when I had no more hope

If you were to ask me why

I could not tell you

Because I myself do not know why I want what I know what’s wrong while I am my happiest

I don’t wish to be reckless

I wish to be a human with bad habits

Without caring about being judged or controlled

I lay in bed wanting to feel the buzz once more

Not because I am not happy

But because I still don’t know how to fill the void that’s been left inside me